Questions & Answers To Everyday Life
I'm Married But Not In Love: Is My Spouse Really God's Will For Me?
Dear Mr. Malone,
I have been an unhappy wife for 30 years. I stayed for my two children and despite much conflicts, I felt guilty leaving a man who, in spite of his emotional distance from me, was kind to his children. We saw marriage counselors but little improvement happened. To keep my sanity, I concentrated on the children, pursued my graduate studies and career and distanced myself emotionally from him. Now that the children are grown and out of the house, he is turning to me to fill the gap after so many years of emotional neglect. I tried very hard to make it work, but can no longer love him like a wife should love a husband. The gap is widening and I feel a big void despite my busy schedule, marriage and church counseling. When I take time away from him, I feel in control of my life and much happier, when I am back, I am chronically depressed and get sick regularly. I finally discussed divorce, but he accuses me of being selfish, not respecting marriage vows and not caring about our children. I do feel sorry for him and worry about him. I also feel guilty for wanting to divorce a man who is really generous and kind and who is trying hard to save the marriage. I feel it’s too little too late, but why is it that I only think of his pain and the damage I will cause the family? Why do I feel a sense of failure? Why is the guilt eating at me and paralyzing me? Should I stay and relieve my guilt or divorce and learn to live with my guilt and the damage I would have caused? Please help!
I will start by saying that as a Christian it is your responsibility to Love the Lord and to allow Him to fill the void that you feel. But I do understand what you are saying. You want to be loved by someone and that's normal.
I don't know your spiritual condition but I sense that you are on the verge
of leaving your husband. I would plead with you not to. I know that at one time
you did love him.
Let me ask you something, do you feel love from the Lord at this time in your
life? Do you have a vibrant personal relationship with Him? How is your personal
prayer and Bible study time progressing daily? Are you attending a local Bible
believing church as often as possible? Have you asked the Lord to examine your
life and to correct it so that He can work through you? When the Lord does speak
to you are you willing to do what He says to get your heart right with Him?
The other half of the coin…is your husband right with the Lord? He does
sound like he wants to stay with you. Is he someone that you can pray with?
I can tell you this, if there was ever a time that you did love your husband,
then you can love him again. However, you have to be willing to let the Lord work
through you and clean you up so the Holy Spirit can direct you back to the time
when you first fell in love.
If there is a chance for redemption in your marriage this truly is the only
way. But it must first start with you. Ask the Lord tonight to search your heart
and to show you what He wants you to get rid of in your life. Then listen to
what he will tell you and be willing to obey. Then ask Him for forgiveness and
name the sins. Realizing that you cannot overcome these problems in your
strength ask Him for a miracle, because truly we are unable to change our own
lives. If there is anyone that you need to get right with, go and seek their
forgiveness. I would start with your husband. Open up to him and tell him that
you want to start over again and with the Lord's help be the wife that He
intended you to be. By being a good wife you are being obedient to the Lord (I
Peter 3:1). Then let the Lord do His work on your husband.
The only counselor that can help you is the Lord Jesus Christ. There is no
textbook (other than the Bible) or science for fixing someone’s heart, only
the Lord can do that. But you have to be willing to ask the Lord to change you
and to allow Him to dig out all those bad memories of a bad marriage and to make
it right again. Working at something without putting the Lord in charge is a
If you want to save your marriage please take this advice and allow the Lord to change you and then your husband. That is the only way. The Lord definitely wants to hear from you tonight or He wouldn't have had me write you this long letter. You wrote me for a reason and now you have the opportunity to let the Lord do His part.
Thanks for your email and I hope I have helped. Please write me again.
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