I've Fallen Out Of Love With My Spouse: Divorce or Not?

February 21, 2003

Question

Dear Pastor Malone,

I have been an unhappy wife for 30 years. I stayed for my two children and despite much conflicts, I felt guilty leaving a man who, in spite of his emotional distance from me, was kind to his children. We saw marriage counselors but little improvement happened. To keep my sanity, I concentrated on the children, pursued my graduate studies and career and distanced myself emotionally from him. Now that the children are grown and out of the house, he is turning to me to fill the gap after so many years of emotional neglect. I tried very hard to make it work, but can no longer love him like a wife should love a husband. The gap is widening and I feel a big void despite my busy schedule, marriage and church counseling. When I take time a! way from him, I feel in control of my life and much happier, when I am back, I am chronically depressed and get sick regularly. I finally discussed divorce, but he accuses me of being selfish, not respecting marriage vows and not caring about our children. I do feel sorry for him and worry about him. I also feel guilty for wanting to divorce a man who is really generous and kind and who is trying hard to save the marriage. I feel it’s too little too late, but why is it that I only think of his pain and the damage I will cause the family? Why do I feel a sense of failure? Why is the guilt eating at me and paralyzing me? Should I stay and relieve my guilt or divorce and learn to live with my guilt and the damage I would have caused? Please help!

Answer
I will start by saying that as a Christian it is your responsibility to Love the Lord and to allow Him to fill the void that you feel. But I do understand what you are saying. You want to be loved by someone and that's normal.

I don't know your spiritual condition but I sense that you are on the verge of leaving your husband. I would plead with you not to. I know that at one time you did love him.

Let me ask you something, do you feel love from the Lord at this time in your life? Do you have a vibrant personal relationship with Him? How is your personal prayer and Bible study time progressing daily? Are you attending a local Bible believing church as often as possible? Have you asked the Lord to examine your life and to correct it so that He can work through you? When the Lord does speak to you are you willing to do what He says to get your heart right with Him?

The other half of the coin…is your husband right with the Lord? He does sound like he wants to stay with you. Is he someone that you can pray with?

I can tell you this if there was ever a time that you did love your husband, then you can love him again. But you have to be willing to let the Lord work through you and clean you up so the Holy Spirit can direct you back to the time when you first fell in love.

If there is a chance for redemption in your marriage this truly is the only way. But it must first start with you. Ask the Lord tonight to search your heart and to show you what He wants you to get rid of in your life. Then listen to what he will tell you and be willing to obey. Then ask Him for forgiveness and name the sins. Realizing that you cannot overcome these problems in your strength ask Him for a miracle, because truly we are unable to change our own lives. If there is anyone that you need to get right with go and seek their forgiveness. I would start with your husband. Open up to him and tell him that you want to start over again and with the Lord's help be the wife that He intended you to be. By being a good wife you are being obedient to the Lord (I Peter 3:1). Then let the Lord do His work on your husband.

The only counselor that can help you is the Lord Jesus Christ. There is no textbook (other than the Bible) or science for fixing someone’s heart, only the Lord can do that. But you have to be willing to ask the Lord to change you and to allow Him to dig out all those bad memories of a bad marriage and to make it right again. Working at something without putting the Lord in charge is a losing fight.

If you want to save your marriage please take this advice and allow the Lord to change you and then your husband. That is the only way. He (the Lord) definitely wants to hear from you tonight or He wouldn't have had me write you this long letter. You wrote me for a reason and now you have the opportunity to let the Lord do His part. Please take that opportunity (name).

Pastor Malone