Divorce Or Not To Divorce

January 25, 2001

I found out that my husband was cheating with not ONE BUT THREE OTHER WOMEN WHILE I WAS PREGNANT. I had a gut feeling that he was cheating on me but when I confronted him with my suspensions he would blow up and storm out of the house. I decided to take matters in my own hands and find out the real truth. I secretly recorded his telephone conversations for several weeks. It didn't take long to confirm my suspensions. The telephone conversations he had were with three different women (two co-workers and one married woman). And all the conversations were sexually graphic. Hearing those tape-recorded conversations made me sick to my stomach, and I was 6-7 months pregnant at the time.

Our child is almost two but I can't bring myself to forgive and forget. I find myself always thinking about his infidelity, I don't think that I can ever love him in the same way again. I no longer want to have sexual relations with him, just knowing that he engaged in the same intimate sexual acts with those other women, that I used to believe were SPECIAL between us makes me angry. There is no longer anything special between us anymore. He doesn't want to go to therapy? He still lies and says that what I heard on those recordings was only sex talk and nothing ever happened between him and those individuals. Maybe my heart wants to believe that so that the situation won't hurt as bad, but I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY, I'M NOT A FOOL. Therefore, I can't believe that he'll never cheat again, if he still can't own up to his past infidelity. He won't even validate the emotional pain and stress he has inflicted on me.

Should I divorce??? Can we repair this marriage??? Please give some advice. My life is in limbo.

Since the birth of our daughter he has been overly attentive to me and a WONDERFUL FATHER TO OUR DAUGHTER. However, our relationship is cold and distant, I throw myself into caring for our daughter so that I don't have to spend anytime with him. I don't enjoy sexual relations because I continue to visualize him sharing the same intimate sexual acts with those other women. My life is consumed with these affairs, and even though it will almost be three years it still hurts.

He's now always home with me and my daughter but it just doesn't matter anymore. I feel nothing for him and my feelings are very evident.

How do I stop the pain??? How do I pick-up the pieces??? They say time heals everything; well I'm still waiting

If he has indeed committed adultery with another woman or women, you are fully within your right as a Christian to divorce him and remarry if you choose. (Matt. 19:9)

Of course, leaving your husband will not stop the pain. Only the Lord can do that. It is very important that you rely on Him and stay much in prayer over this situation. You will need much guidance in the coming months.

But if you stay, you must find it in your heart to forgive him. Again, only the Lord can put that love and forgiveness in your heart. So pray and seek his face that He will. You also must consider your child. If you leave he/she will be without a full time father. Somehow you have found a way to stay with him 3 years after the adulteress affairs. Ask the Lord to help you to reclaim the love that once was. Of course, if he is still involved with other women, it's time to say goodbye.

Is your husband a Christian? Or has he become a Christian since the affairs? I would have a heart to heart talk with him about what has taken place in the past and how you feel about it. If he refuses to address the hurts and pains he has caused you, and is still unwilling to accept what he has done, it might be time to leave him. It's not going to get any better.

But I always like to push someone toward reconciliation first. If my wife were talking sexually to other men on the phone I would certainly consider that evidence of adultery. I would have to consider the possibility of divorce.

Pastor Malone

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