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February 14, 2006

Believe it or not, the divorce rate is about 52% in the U.S. and the vast majority are filed for reasons other than adultery, which is believed to be the only plausible Biblical reason for divorce. 

I understand that some marriages are just simply too dangerous to stay in.  To those who are living under these circumstances I say get out and take your children with you.  But what about the rest of us who just simply can’t get along with our mate.  It seems we just can’t agree on anything anymore.  He/she is just too opinionated for their own good and man are they judgmental!  And on top of that, they just don’t respect me like they should!  Right now I’m extremely angry over what he/she said to me and it will be a cold day in hell before I say I’m sorry. 

Sound familiar.  Virtually everyone who is married will go through this scenario before they die.  And unless at least one of the couple is sold out to the Lord it almost always leads down a path of bitterness or divorce. 

I had a person contact me the other day who told me that they had discovered something that their Christian spouse was doing and it made them very angry.  He/She assured me that it wasn’t anything like adultery or even immoral, but certainly, it was something they felt God would not be pleased with…but I didn’t pry.  

In anger he/she immediately confronted their spouse, which started a heated argument that spilled over into the next morning.  Finally, they both went their separate ways in anger.  But that afternoon, when he/she got home he/she noticed that their spouse didn’t come home.  As he/she went to bed that night, it was apparent that their spouse wasn’t coming home.  He/She also mentioned that this wasn’t the first time this had happened.  In the past, when they’ve had arguments, his/her spouse has stayed away for weeks at a time. 

In questioning him/her, I found out that both have been born again Christians for many years, although, he/she felt that his/her spouse slipped from time to time.  This I found to be a part of the problem because he/she seemed to get angry and judge the spouse when he/she discovered they had fallen. 

He/She knew that he/she was wrong in judging his/her spouse but felt that it wasn’t his/her fault and did not see the need to apologize.  After all, his/her spouse said some very mean things to me during the argument.  In fact, the word divorce came up several times.  

He/She’s main concern was how he/she should handle this situation and how he/she can avoid repeating it. 

The first thing I told him/her was that they were not their spouse’s Holy Spirit or God.  If your Christian spouse is not living right you need to let God do His work on him/her.  If you believe God has directed you to confront your spouse regarding a situation you should do it in love and never with a spirit of condemnation.  He/She agreed.

Then we progressed to the next step, which was to call their spouse and tell them that they were sorry for their part of the argument. But he/she was hesitant about that because he/she felt the spouse had said a lot of hurtful things as well.  Besides, he/she felt they were always the one that apologized. 

We talked about a few other things, and in the end, he/she did come short of promising to make that phone call.  

If we would have been able to continue our conversation I would have suggested the following steps.  These steps are not the answer to all marital problems but certainly to most, and of course, you can pick and choose the one’s that apply to you.  If you find yourself in this situation this is what I recommend you do: 

1.  Don’t leave it up to your spouse to make things right, listen to what the Holy Spirit tells you and do it without delay.  Being right has ruined many a marriage. 

2.  Don’t let your anger keep you from getting right with your spouse right away.  I challenge anyone to show me where it says in the Bible that you should wait until you’re not angry anymore before you make things right.  What the Bible does say is “let not the sun go down upon your wrath (Ephesians 4:26b)”.

My advice is to apologize as quickly as possible even if you’re still angry.  And it needs to be sincere at least to the recipient.  You maybe angry at the time, but trust me, you’ll get over it if your desire is to be in the Lord’s will. 

One more thing, satan would love for you to put off what you know the Lord has told you to do…gives him more time to call up all the bad things your spouse has said to you.  If you wait, look for a long and miserable time ahead.

You may say, “But I’m married and living in the same house with this person…it’s not that easy!”  Ask the Lord to help you forgive and forget the wrong that your spouse has done you.  If you have to pray all day long then so be it.  But I think you will find that if you turn control of this situation and your anger over to the Lord He will work wonders. 

3.  After seeking forgiveness, prevent seeds of bitterness from cropping up in your heart and mind.  Too many times we harbor past hurts and they continually prevent a marriage from going forward.  If you are to realize the results of your efforts, when these thoughts pop up in your mind, you need to do your best to quash them.  Don’t allow the past to come back and hinder the progress of your marriage.

4.  Once you reconcile, you need to develop a plan that will help you avoid arguments with your spouse. Have an action plan worked out to minimize arguments or potential problems. 

You may ask what is an action plan?  An example of an action plan would be, if I get into an argument with my spouse I will immediately apologize for my part of the argument.  Unfortunately, people choose to get into arguments, and yes, it does take two.  For me, knowing that I will have to apologize if I choose to engage has helped me stay out of arguments more than a few times. 

Another example of an action plan would be to pray for wisdom before you confront your spouse about something he/she has done that has made you angry.  Always avoid being judgmental and come to your spouse in a spirit of love.  God didn’t put you in your spouse’s life to be their junior Holy Spirit.  He (God) does just fine in that department all by Himself.

A word about the purpose of an action plan.  The main purpose of an action plan is to keep you from doing or saying something that you will later regret.  It’s purpose should be to keep you accountable to the Lord not to man.  As long as you are focused on being accountable to the Lord you should be fine.  You should also make a list of hot button behaviors that you know sets off your spouse and stay far away from them.  Too many times that is the first place we go when we are angry.

5.  Never (again) suggest or tell your spouse to leave or get out.  I have heard time and again spouses tell spouses in the heat of an argument to get out or just leave.  This is a very dangerous habit to get into.  You should realize if you start this, there will come a day when they might not come back.

This should never come out of your mouth or any words that would suggest they should go.  At the time it may sound like the right thing to say but in the long run it will bring devastating long-term results to you, your husband, and more importantly, to watching children.  Is this really what you want?

6.  Never consider divorce as an option or even bring it up.  This is another topic Christian couples talk about all to freely.  Simply put, this is not an option unless your mate has committed adultery, and even then, it’s better for everyone involved (children) if you try to reconcile.  But that is the only time the subject should even be addressed.

7.  Lastly, develop a line of mutual respect and consideration between the two of you and avoid crossing it at all cost.  Without respect and consideration, it will be next to impossible to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. 

Women, you should know, according to scripture, God has placed the man over the woman to love her as Christ loved the church.  This is a position that is to be respected and taken seriously.  Too many times the husband takes on this responsibility with a negative sense of power.  This shouldn’t be the case.  He is to take this responsibility in all love and humility submitting to one another in all love and mutual respect (Ephesians 5:21-25). 

Of course, if your spouse is not a Christian many of these principles will fall on deaf ears.  But that doesn’t mean your marriage has to fail.  God has provided a formula for success even under these circumstances.  Take a look at I Peter 3:1-7:

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.  Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.  For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:  Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.  Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

Christian spouse (whether man or woman), you maybe the only Bible they see or read.  For many, you could be their only hope to hear the Gospel. 

Yes, you can have a successful marriage if you are committed to following the game plan the Lord has designed.  Are you ready to make the commitment necessary to bring them to the Lord?

Christian couple, are you ready to make the commitment to honor one another as Christ loved the church?

Certainly, the above mentioned steps are easier said than done and will be near impossible to adhere to without your complete surrender to the Lord.  But this is critical if you are to heal the wounds that usually run very deep as a marriage struggles to get back on track. 

Unfortunately, most people use the Lord until the problem seemingly looks resolved.  But that usually only takes care of the surface, and before long, they find themselves right back in the mess they thought was long gone. 

If you are to kill the root of the problem you need to get self out of the way.  As the healing process continues, it’s extremely important that you commit yourself to allow the Lord to change you and leave your spouse to the Lord as well.  As I said earlier, your spouse doesn’t need a junior Holy Spirit.  If you are committed to allowing God to be the center of your marriage then let Him take care of your spouse. 

I hope you will make this commitment today!

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